The past four years I have been on a journey of healing my relationship with the feminine. It has been a deep dive into all of the shame, trauma and pain, held in my womb. It has been a softening into my essence. A dance between light and dark. An allowing and a flowering. An opening and a tightening. I have not only had to heal my relationship with my own feminine self, but also my relationship with other women. As an Empath and HSP I felt lifetimes of collective pain encompassing me, knowing that if I walked this path I would not be the same woman who entered it once I came out the other side.
For those of you that follow me on Instagram and Facebook, you will know I had been sitting on this blog post since Friday, letting it simmer away in the background of my mind as I tried to be present in what was a very busy and fulfilling weekend. Each night as I tried to go to sleep it would come back into my conscience. At one point I felt like I had let everyone down by not getting it out soon enough even though I didn't set an actual day, and I got out of bed turned on my computer and stared at the screen only to realise the irony of what I was doing. Pushing and forcing it out (in my masculine) when my feminine really wanted to take the lead and birth this in her own sweet time.
This is the dance.
Another day went by of no progress on the post. It felt too long, too vulnerable, it didn't flow right. So I went to the beach, where I go for clarity, cleansing and calm. Just as I was thinking that it needed to be more than one post, a white feather dropped on my bag, and no sooner was the decision made.
Part 1: The interplay of divine feminine and masculine energy as an individual.
Part 2: The dance of feminine and masculine energy in a conscious relationship.
Clear as day!
As women, we have both masculine and feminine energy, however something I have witnessed in many women, and myself included is that we often come from a past of embodying more masculine energy than feminine energy. This is a learned societal pattern. "How far can I go?", "How high can I fly?" Learning to come back into balance with these energies, I believe is an art, in and of itself.
Our masculine energy gives us the push and drive we need to get things done.
Our feminine energy allows us to soften, be intuitive, sensitive, loving and kind-hearted.
When women have primarily lived in their masculine energy, this may show up as having control issues, being demanding, dominating and overly opinionated. We could be working crazy hours and trying to be the strong one at all times. In relationships we may be the ones always having to have the last say or 'wearing the pants', so to speak.
When our masculine energy is balanced, we are courageous and able to be supported by the feminine, we are driven, but not in a dominating way, we are able to express our feelings, knowing it is not a threat to our masculinity. We are energised, passionate, proactive and abundant, we are present and grounded.
.When we are in a balanced feminine state, we are intuitive, assertive, confident, deeply in touch with nature, we are practicing self-care and we are compassionate towards ourselves and others. We are able to be held and supported by the masculine and we are protective of those we care for. When I am in my balanced feminine, I am grounded, wise and able to draw on the well of my lived experiences to teach with an open heart.
When unbalanced, we may come across as selfish, controlling, manipulative, competitive, resentful, overly needy to the point of co-dependency, we may be self-doubting, playing the victim, always wanting to people please, spiteful and unable to express our needs, we may be depressed and overly sensitive and reactive. We may be filled with fearful worry thoughts.
Being in a conscious relationship has taught me to soften further into my feminine, however certainly not without its fair share of struggles. I will share more of this with you next time.
You may be suprised to read that from the age of 11 to 15, I was the ultimate tomboy! I would wear cargo shorts, Mambo shirts and Rip Curl hoodies. I seemed cool, yet inside, I was a highly sensitive girl, who was dying inside. I was a perfectionist and all rounder, with a competitive streak and a knack for winning and excelling in whatever I did.
In Grade 6 I won what was called The Harvison Award. A prestigious award given to the Sports Champion of the school. I was up against a boy called Blake who was a little pocket rocket in the pool and on the running track. He was a great all rounder, but when it came to the way he conducted himself, it left a bit to be desired. When I was presented my trophy at the school assembly, he gave me a big greasy look and said that it should have been him. For me it wasn't even about winning, but yet it also felt amazing to know I had beaten a boy!
And then came J. What I have now come to understand as an egoic best friend. I was friends with her to be in the popular group, because I couldn't fathom being with the nerds or the geeks. On and off the field, we were always coming first and second. In Grade Six cross-country, she played on my kindness and pretended to have an asthma attack so I would hopefully stop and help her. Being the nice girl I was, I stopped, worried for my friend. SEnio da later she sprinted off to the finish line, leaving me standing floored, wondering what just happened.
I won the Senior Girl Champion Award, at the end of that year, not because I was the fastest runner, but for my sportsmanship. I will never really know if J got her lesson in that moment, but I sure learnt that I needed to choose my friends more wisely, and that winning means nothing if you are a mean girl.
At the first sign of my boobs growing, I began taping them down with duct tape. I was 12. I didn't want them there. I was certainly not as developed as some of the girls in my class, but I was also incredibly uncomfortable with the little buds growing on either side of my chest. To think back on this time makes me so sad.
Two years later and the cracks began to show when I was diagnosed with a severe Eating Disorder, that morphed into chronic Anorexia. Then came the Depression, Anxiety and PTSD, which you can read more about here. I needed to be in control of situations because there was so much in my life that had happened that I had no control over. Food and weight became the one thing that no one could touch or take away from me.
This extreme need for control meant that I didn't feel safe to be in my feminine. I starved away pain, I starved away my "blossoming body". I starved away my period which 'disgusted' me. I constantly had my guard up in case someone tried to over step a boundary and cause me more harm. It has been a complex letting-go process, of which I can say I am proud of where I am today. Just quietly, I am writing a book on healing the feminine when in recovery from an Eating Disorder. You read it here first!
My intuition is stronger and my relationships with women are better. I trust other women, however am discerning of who I let in my inner-circle, due to past bullying and hurts. I have had to learn to loosen my grip and need to be in control. I have had to learn to lean into difficult experiences with grace and trust rather than pull back in anger and fear. Today I wear feminine clothes and allow myself to be held by a man and also my soul sisters.
PTSD wise, I am learning to respond instead of react. This is incredibly difficult when old wounds resurface in the present because it triggers off all of the feelings that caused the wound in the first place. Reminding myself I am not there now is so essential to me getting through times of heightened emotions. My fight or flight response has been active for most of my life due to complex trauma and so sometimes I am still caught off guard.
I notice when I am in my balanced feminine I am much more receptive and able to see all sides of stories. My triggers for switching back into my masculine are feelings of injustice, especially when a boundary has been crossed or people aren't listening. This is not a bad thing. We need both masculine and feminine energy to survive but the thing is when our perceived threat is not real, it becomes an uneccesary transition into our masculine. When I feel that my feelings are being invalidated my past conditioned self wants to make it right and be loud and telll it how it is. There lies my current growth.
"When we come into harmony with both our masculine and feminine energies, our relationships begin to reflect that."
So beautiful, I would love to know where you are at in your own journey of softening into your feminine. Is this a new topic to you and something you wish to explore further? I would love for you to get in touch. If this post has raised issues or memories for you that feel uncomfortable and you need to talk, please don't hesitate to get in touch.
I am also now taking expressions of interest for coaching with me in 2017. You can find more information about working with me here.
With love and new paradigms,
Welcome beautiful. Here you will find the musings of my soulspeak infused with universal truths on love, conscious awakening, ancient wisdom, grace and flow.